


Sarutobi Hiruzen's Third Worst Awakening of All Time

by elenathehun



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Grumpy Old Men, Haunting, Humor, Poor Life Choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:16:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8500183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elenathehun/pseuds/elenathehun
Summary: So it turns out that "an eternity in the shinigami's stomach" is more of a metaphor than a description.





	

"…can’t be right….missing from these files!”

After a long lifetime of getting the shit kicked out of him by various and sundry enemy forces, Hiruzen considered himself quite the connoisseur of unexpected awakenings.

“..many? This is…”

Hiruzen’s all-time favorite awakening was the time he’d awoken with a start in a foreign prison cell, dripping wet with damn cold water. Sadly, it had been far too long since he’d had the pleasure of leading a prison break - since the First War, at least.

“No! No excuses!”

His all-time worst unexpected awakening was the time he’d come to with a twelve-year-old Tsunade wrist-deep in his abdominal cavity. It hadn’t hurt, thankfully, but there are few phrases as bone-chilling as “Don’t worry, sensei. I’m sure it’ll work this time!”, especially when said by a nervous pre-teen.

“I want a full roster, Shikaku. Get me the names of every… students and the retired… them to me now. This should … jounin commander.”

This current awakening was a lot closer to the all-time worst than the all-time best. First, Hiruzen couldn’t feel his body at all. Second, Tsunade had a very distinctive voice, and that was definitely her voice he was hearing, if only dimly. So, given that Hiruzen couldn’t remember the fight that had landed him in the hospital, couldn’t feel his body at all, and had apparently managed to get Tsunade (of all people!) to return to the village, well…

…his goose was pretty well cooked, wasn’t it?

“What a cock-up Sarutobi- _sensei_ has left me with.”

“That’s not very polite, Tsunade,” Hiruzen chided as he struggled to open his eyes. "And anyway, people who leave the village for years on end don’t really have the standing to criticize how I run it, do they?“

Strangely enough, Tsunade didn’t answer. That was most unlike her; Tsunade always had to get the last word in, no matter what. Perhaps he hadn’t spoken loudly enough? A distinct possibility, although unlikely - Tsunade had the ears of a bat. With a great effort, Hiruzen finally managed to open his eyes, only to see, disconcertingly enough, Tsunade walking straight at him, an angry expression on her ageless face.

"Tsunade,” Hiruzen said, startled despite himself, but the expression on her face didn’t change at his words, nor did she stop walking.

“Now, let’s not be hasty, Tsunade, I _am_ an old man-” Hiruzen started saying in a placating manner when it became clear she wasn’t going to stop coming at him, but it turned out to be unnecessary - _she walked right through him._

* * *

It didn’t take long for Hiruzen to ascertain three things about his current state:

  1. He was invisible.
  2. He was inaudible.
  3. He was intangible.



Which led, of course, to the inescapable conclusion that he was a ghost. Well. _An eternity trapped in the stomach of the Death God_ turned out to be a bit of exaggeration on the part of the author of the Dead Demon Consuming Seal. Typical for that generation of creators, though: every damn S-rank seal was prefaced with some kind of dire warning of consequences better suited to some kind of gothic novel. Even Tobirama-sensei hadn’t been immune to the trend. He’d noted the Shadow Clone technique had a high probability of causing irreversible brain damage, but honestly, only about one in ten people experienced that side effect!

But eternal digestion aside, being a ghost hadn’t been very fun so far. Wandering around Konoha had been an exercise in regret thus far: Orochimaru’s invasion had destroyed years of progress, years the village could ill afford. The walls had been breached, buildings had been destroyed, hundreds had been killed. Hiruzen now had the dubious honor of being the only Kage whose reign had been marred by a physical invasion of his capital, and by his own student, no less!

“A fine way to end my second reign!” he muttered to himself as he paced about the village. But his second reign had been far inferior to his first in every way. More proof that rule was meant for the young and vigorous, not the old and decrepit. Now, did Tsunade really fit the description of “young and vigorous”? Eh, she was younger than him and judging by the shouting Hiruzen had heard as he drifted away from the tower, definitely more vigorous, so…sure. Anyway, she was a Senju, if she didn’t die in battle, she’d outlive them all.

So far he’d seen to his family. His daughter and grandson were doing well, although little Konohamaru had a serious cast to his face as he trained. Well, there were worse ways to take the death of a beloved family member. As long Konohamaru didn’t swear revenge on Orochimaru or anything stupid like that, he’d be fine. On the bright side, his death had apparently prodded Asuma to pursue that Yuuhi girl with greater vigor as well - and about damn time! Hiruzen wanted more grandchildren, and if he couldn’t have them while he was alive, he would observe them while he was dead.

He hadn’t seen Koharu or Homura. No doubt they were back at the tower, fighting with Tsunade. He’d spent the better part of six decades with them, he didn’t need to see their ugly mugs for awhile yet. Now, was that Naruto, sitting over at Ichiraku Ramen? That boy never let anything get him down…and neither did that ramen stand!

* * *

And thus Sarutobi Hiruzen passed his first day as a ghost, drifting throughout the village, watching over the people he’d lived (and then died) for. Not a bad way to spend time; sort of similar to his actual life, though. But of course, nothing is ever that easy, and by sunset, he found himself subject to an inexplicable tugging sensation, pulling him down into the depths of the village…

“You know, I don’t remember ever approving these tunnels,” he said as he walked through the walls towards whatever the hell was pulling him down. "And they don’t look old enough to date from Tobirama- _sensei_ ’s reign, let alone Hashirama’s…“

Counter-intuitively, the deeper he went into the complex he’d found beneath the Village, the more modern it appeared. The fittings of the doors were made of steel instead of copper; around the seventh sublevel, the lights switched to fluorescents instead of incandescents. And of course, all the children wearing masks and modified ANBU started showing up. The whole thing was dreadfully familiar…

By the time Hiruzen finally found the source of his irritations, he was utterly unsurprised to walk through a wall and find Danzo furiously writing at his desk, looking like ten miles of bad road. Of course, Danzo hadn’t shut down ROOT. That would be far too sensible for the muttonheaded idiot he’d known since early childhood.

"I hope my death gave you the nastiest migraine of your fucking life, you traitor,” Hiruzen told the bent figure. It was petty, given that Danzo couldn’t hear him, but what the hell, he was dead!

“Fuck off, you lazy slob,” Danzo replied blearily, not even pausing in his writing.

“Can you actually hear me?” Hiruzen asked in astonishment.

Danzo stilled. One beat, then another, and then-

“Oh, fuck me sideways,” the other man whispered, one eye wide.

“I’m sorry, dear, but I currently lack the means to do so,” Hiruzen said dryly. Again, petty as hell, but dead men should get an allowance for that sort of thing. "Now that I’ve got your attention, perhaps we can discuss the little matter of _this highly treasonous private army_ you’ve been hiding away the last few years?“

Danzo groaned, and buried his face in his hands.

**Author's Note:**

> My fill for prompt #13 Awkward Haunting in Sumigakure's Halloween Event 2016, originally posted on tumblr on 11 Oct 2016. Please check out the other entries at sumigakure.tumblr.com.


End file.
